BIG BONED? NOT ANY MORE!
Discover how YOU can scrape that bone away!
Very profeshonal freelance sexpert, Sam Johnson tells you what to think.
The genius writers in UK’s favourite and most brilliant magazines such as the modestly titled OK and Heat (whom we find to be smoking hot) are onto something when they scrutinize you and celebrities for being more than a whopping size 8. Don’t worry; they’re only helping you and totally not trying to make you hate your body so that you buy into fad diets, weight loss vitamins or expensive gym memberships.
Check out the Flab B Gone™ vitamins! After 2 years of daily usage your appearance will probably change*! There’s also a 4% gym membership discount after your 15th tub. Tubs cost £25 each plus Tax. *Most effective when taken alongside the Kardashian starvation diet plan.
But what is there after everyone’s followed the magazine’s genius advice and regurgitated their way to so-called perfection? Your bone structure might be slightly wider than someone else’s. Maybe you can’t help but just be naturally taller than your boyfriend. We can’t have that; him being able to perceive himself as dominant and super masculine is your ultimate priority, and you can’t be slightly wider than someone else. Believe me, I found some experts on this online forum that completely agree with me. How dare you.
So what can you do? Science has found the solution. Using the most innovative techniques, doctors are going to be able to sand away all unnecessary parts of your bones. Sounds great right? It’s a simple process of digging their way through your skin, muscles and vessels to gain access to your bones. They then take a sanding machine and delicately file away the edges until they achieve a wiry perfection. As for your ribs, there is a special compression procedure for a mere £500, 000 where they can crunch in your ribs so you can be as thin as you need. The best part is that you can keep or even grow your boobs too! The procedure is statistically safe too, there’s a massive 5% chance that you will survive – You’re less likely to survive a bullet to the brain!
This is the new it surgery. Already, top names such as Kate Moss and Keira Knightly have signed up to go under the sand machine. Tom Cruise in particular has reportedly requested a deviation of the surgery – he aims to add extra bones to his legs in order to grow to 6ft and save film crews millions of dollars by taking away the need for repeated height enhancing camera techniques. We’ll be reporting on every celeb’s experience with this amazing new surgery as they happen, alongside only slightly photoshopped pics to show you how perfect they are. Everyone has to be just like them.
ENTER NOW FOR A CHANCE TO LOOK LIKE OUR CELEBRITY GODS
BY WINNING A FREE BONE SANDING!*
*Please see family, friends and a therapist for details.
There has been controversy surrounding this radical new surgery from sources such as mental healthcare groups. They claim the surgery will raise the “impossible and dangerous” standards for people suffering from body dysmorphia to try to live up to. A spokesperson released the following statement:
“Instead of offering extreme methods to alter the human body, society’s perception of beauty should be changed to accept a more diverse range of body types”.
They went on to say:
“Tabloid culture fails to recognize bigger models as beautiful human beings. It expresses a dangerous ideology that sees minor natural differences in appearance are simply flaws.”
These unnamed healthcare groups have been subject to rumours from an anonymous source stating that they have been using mind control techniques on their victims. Healthcare groups have reportedly used their own media to subtly brainwash the public into believing healthcare ideologies. They’re so silly, tabloid magazines are nothing like that.
NOW IN STORES – AN IN-DEPTH GUIDE ON HOW TO LOOK LIKE ONE OF OUR FETISHES! FREE LIPOSUCTION INCLUDED.
Doctor Scrumptious, age 24, shared his thoughts on the surgery, whilst rocking his sweet abs. All men need abs like his.
“I’ve always felt the ribs and bones were holding people back from their journeys to being skinny, y’know. People can only really lose so much weight before the ribs and bones sort of stick out. Now that we can reduce bone mass people can become as skinny as they please. I’d also like to take this opportunity to announce that we are hard at work at making it possible to safely remove all skin, fluids, organs and muscle so that there is only bone left. This will mean gaining weight will be virtually impossible. People are going to need to have this done!”
That sure sounds exciting! We also managed to meet up with Doctor Scrumptious’ very first bone sanding patient. We were stunned to see how gorgeous she was, our thumbs were chubby in comparison to all of her body except for her well rounded boobs. She had just finished recovering from having her excess skin removed because of the loss of bone. We asked for a quick statement on how she felt and here is what she said:
“I’m in so much pain but I feel like I look a little closer to how the magazines want me to look, and that’s a bit comforting to know. My family wanted me to just stay in a body that I was comfortable in instead of what other people were comfortable with me having. But what do they know? They haven’t sold a single song on iTunes.”
Despite the controversy, we think the surgery will be a great idea. Look at Scrumptious’ patient; she’s thinner and therefore more gorgeous than she’s ever been! This ground breaking procedure will mean we won’t need to photoshop people’s appearances into new shapes to make them look less like themselves for some reason as much. This day is a victory in the battle of guilting you into trying to look skinny. Just like how we tabloids like you to be. We won’t have it done though, we feel fine.